What would the headlines look like immediately
after the end of The Lord of the Rings? Wouldn't
it be interesting to read it in....
The Middle Earth Daily News
Oink son of Groink, Editor
A Score of Hobbit Thieves
made off with the entire contents of a 7-11 in
Bree last week, down to the last crumb of lembras,
the famous elvish animal crackers.
Representatives of King Aragorn brought up the
matter with Shire Mayor Sam Gamgee. "We'll look
into it," he promised earnestly, munching on a
piece of elvish waybread.
Real Estate Developers Report
that Barad-dur, Sauron's tower of evil in the
heart of scenic Mordor, is now completely
refurbished and apartments are being sold as
Co-ops. Units start at low as 20,000 GP and up
(those with a view of Orodruin, Mountain of Fire,
30,000 and up).
Rohan and Gondor
are embroiled in a border dispute. Faramir, the
Steward, claims that Edoras, the capital of Rohan,
is really part of Gondor. King Eomer of Rohan
heartily disagrees. King Aragorn sent in two
regiments of impartial negotiators, who have
resolved the dispute in Gondor's favor.
has awarded Elrond's elves at Rivendell a defense
contract to forge 2000 magical swords. Elrond
says he'll try to limit cost overruns this time,
but isn't making any promises.
is what the Dwarves are calling the mysterious
disappearances of their personnel. Dwarvish
miners, bearing mithril from the newly reopened
Mines of Moria, have simply vanished, usually when
they passed near the Elvish forest of Lorien.
Galadriel of Lorien is puzzled by the Dwarven
disappearances. "Maybe they took a detour and got
lost on the way home," she hypothesized. King
Aragorn has appointed his elvish wife, Queen
Arwen, to look into the matter.
Gandalf the Grey, Mithrandir, Merlin,
or whatever you call him, is going out on the
lecture circuit. For 5,000 GP he will recount
some of his favorite tales: "How I beat the
Balrog in Moria", "Why Saruman was always jealous
of me", "How to bully insipid Dwarves" and the
everpopular "20 easy ways to fool Hobbits."
Meriadoc "Merry" Brandybuck and Peregrin "Pippin"
Took, hobbit knights of Rohan and Gondor
respectively, were assaulted last week by a bunch
of wild rabbits. Merry and Pippin were kncoked
out cold, and when they awoke, their armor and
weapons had been stolen. They went whining to
Gandalf for help, but he only told them, "I told
you guys to keep away from anything larger than a
are again coming out of southern Mirkwood, and
threatening neighboring communities in the Dale.
King Bard of Escargo has ordered several miles of
giant flypaper laid across the border with the
Gollum Found Alive!
Gollum, the last possessor of the ring of power,
has been found alive. Evidently when he fell into
Oroduin, the ring came off and went into the lava,
but Gollum himself landed safely on an outjutting
protection of rock on the volcano wall.
Gollum plans to work on his authorized
autobiography, "My Precious, Me, and I," detailing
how "Baggins, Baggins the thief!" stole his
precious, the ring of power. Gollum will also
reveal never before published transcripts of
interviews with Sauron, formerly the chief foe of
goodness in the War of the Ring. "He was not a
big conversationalist, no, my precious," said
Gollum, shivering a little during the midsummer's
Gollum will also recount the final journey of
the ring. "Gollum was serving Baggins, yes,
Baggins, and the naassty Gamgee hobbit. Gollum
was always helping hobbitses, O yes, but they
complains all the way, all the way, always picking
on poor Smellygul. 'Gollum, go and get us food,'
they says. 'Gollum, be good to Baggins' 'Gollum,
take filthy paws off Master Frodo's throat.'
Always something they complains about."
"No, no, never would they say, 'Thank you,
Smellygul, thank you for guiding nice hobbits
through cold cruel land'. No, O no, Smellygul's
only reward was to be dumped into volcano by nice
The Environmental Cleanup
of Mordor proceeds apace. King Aragorn has
designated an isolated patch of land to be used to
store the toxic wastes removed from the cleanup,
but residents of the Shire are protesting the