Star Trek: The Next Generation--"ALIEN CONTACT"
Captain's Log, supplemental: We've been cruising
through space now for the last few months without
even the slightest hint of action or suspense. On
the other hand we have had a number of interesting
character developments. Counselor Troi had to
come to grip with herself when she temporarily
lost her "I sense something...." abilities.
Doctor Crusher had a shortlived romance with an
alien humanoid who turned out to be a giant worm.
Meanwhile, Commander Riker is regretting his move
to undergo elective surgery to make himself look
like a Klingon. Lieutenant Worf has submitted
himself to his monthly painstick ritual. And Mr.
LaForge has offered his hand in marriage to his
holodeck girlfriend. All in all a routine week.
Captain Picard sighed, rubbing his hand
across his shiny head. So far, the dilithium
monoxidil treatments had been ineffectual.
"Captain, I sense something," said Counselor
Troi, her bright red smudge-perfect lips
pronounced in their stilted alien ways.
"Yes, Counselor?" said Picard, sitting
upright. What was it, Romulans? Cardassians? Q?
"I sense you're still upset because of your
failure to regain even a tiny bit of your lost
Picard eyed her. She herself had so much
hair, 5.2 cubic feet by Commander Data's best
estimates. Why was life so unfair?
"No, Counselor," lied Picard. "I don't mind
that Commander Riker is the handsome one on the
bridge." But beads of perspiration appeared on
his shiny dome.
"Still, I sense great tension whenever you
view the old Enterprise records, specifically
those involving Captain Kirk-"
Picard cut in. "Well, it's true that in the
old days being handsome and dashing was something
to be admired, but now we're in the 24th and a
half century, where a more cerebral-"
"Captain," said Lt. Worf. "Sorry to
interrupt your rationalizing, sir, but I'm getting
life readings from the second planet in the system
ahead of us."
"Of what sort?' Picard looked eager. Perhaps
sentient flatworms. Or a race of robots.
Whatever they were, the aliens were sure to have
putty on their faces. Lots of it.
"Indeterminate," Worf frowned, assuming his
natural expression. He was feeling a little
depressed, actually; he wasn't getting as much out
of the painstick ceremony as he used to.
"Are we going to explore?" said Dr. Crusher.
"Yes," said Picard. "Make it... make it..."
"What's happening?" said Counselor Troi,
alarmed. "I sense something from the Captain...
"It's the batteries," said Crusher, bending
over the fallen Captain. "When the Borg took over
Captain Picard. they installed a power system to
energize the red flashlight on the side of his
head. Unfortunately the penlight batteries need
Captain Picard attempted to sit up.
"Jean-Luc, how do you feel?" asked Dr.
Crusher, in a very sensitive voice.
Captain Picard considered. "I am Locutus, of
Borg, You will service us-"
Dr. Crusher gently but firmly hit him on the
"Oh," said Picard, blinking. "What happened?
Batteries run low again?"
Dr. Crusher nodded.
"Did anyone notice?"
"I didn't notice," said Counselor Troi. "I
just thought you slipped."
"Fell down," said Lt. Worf. "Could happen to
"Especially older people," added Wesley.
"And you, Mr. Data?" said Picard. He knew
that Data never lied.
The robot was taciturn. "Um...."
"Data was busy looking at his console," said
Troi quickly. "Captain, weren't you about to pose
for the cameras and order us to head for that
planet we found?"
"Yes," said Picard. He stood perfect
straight, arched his head, and dramatically
pointed his index finger forward. "Make it so,
Will the Enterprise discover a new form of life?
Will the aliens have huge globs of putty on their
face? Will the Captain suddenly understand he is
being patronized? Stay tuned, and find out in our
next installment! ***TO BE CONTINUED***
Star Trek: The Next Generation "Alien Contact"
Captains Log, supplemental: With no new alien
children or periodic visit from Mrs. Troi to
occupy us this week, we have taken to surveying
new planetary systems. We are now coming into
orbit around an unchaaarted planet that Numba One
tells me has a space station in orbit.
"It's like no space station I've ever seen,"
Picard raised an eyebrow, representing nearly
half the hair remaining on his head. "And how
many have you seen, Numba One?"
"I sense something," said Troi dreamily.
"Something different?" said the Captain. He
had learned early on to trust Troi's hunches.
"Yes... different, and yet the same. I can't
explain it," asid Troi.
"Can she ever?" someone muttered.
Captain Picard looked around for the
commentator, but all eyes were averted. "Open
There was a pause, and then Worf said, "No
"Conference," said the Captain. Everyone
abandoned the bridge and went into the Captain's
"We could beam aboard," said Riker.
"That might offend them," said Troi.
"Imagine the thought of a radically different
culture suddenly appearing out of nowhere."
"Well, why don't we send a shuttle," said
Worf. "That would be more gradual."
"They might be offended by the mere sight of
us," said Troi. "If they are, for example,
intelligent flatworms, imagine how repugnant we
would appear to them."
"I wonder how a pair of photon torpedoes
would offend them," Worf muttered.
"What about a class one probe, unmanned?"
"What right do we have to invade their
privacy?" said Troi.
"Quite right, Counselor," said the Captain.
"We must weigh the moral balance of this, the need
to seek out new life versus alien privacy rights.
Hm... Hm..." The Captain paused. He had already
decided, but he wanted it to look like a
thoughtful decision. "After great balancing, I've
decided. Numba One, prepare the probe."
When they had all filed back onto the bridge
they reassumed the positions they had left
abandoned. Data launched the probe. It sped
towards the alien space station, and was
immediately destroyed by an alien laser burst.
"What do we do now?" said Riker.
"Conference," said the Captain.
In the boardroom Riker said, "I vote for a
"That might only offend them further," argued
Counselor Troi. "The best thing to do now is to
apologize, offer reparations for emotional
distress, and be on our way."
"I still think we should open fire on them,"
"Yes, of course you do," said Picard
patronizingly. He turned to his chief advisor.
"Whoopi, share your wisdom."
"Give me your palm," she said immediately.
Then the room was silent for the next few mintes,
except for the occasional "hm, hmm" as Whoopi
studied the lines on Picard's hand. After a long
time, she said, "Go with the shuttle."
"But they might shoot it down," said Worf.
"I'm sure as they are a sentient race, they
must have a fundamental respect for all
intelligent life," said Counselor Troi.
"Still, to take a risk with the crew..." said
Picard. "Numba One, don't we still have some
old-style Enterprise security guards left in
storage? Let's send two of the red shirts."
The shuttle headed towards the alien space
station. Picard spoke to them over the
communicator. Suddenly there was a flash from the
space station. "Ensigns Hulky and Beefy, watch
out for the alien laser-" At that moment the
shuttle blew up.
"Fundamental respect for human life?" said
"I'm sure this is just one big
misunderstanding," said Troi.
Suddenly, the alien space station opened fire
on the Enterprise. The ship rocked as it was hit.
Picard responded immediately. "Prepare to
consider raising shields!"
Worf lept to his console. "Prepared to
consider raising shields," he reported.
The ship was raised again. "Sir," said Worf.
"I think we're going to actually have to raise
them this time!"
Captain Picard frowned. It was time to make
another major decision.
"Conference," he said.
What will happen in the next conference? Will
Whoopi read any more palms? Is Captain Picard
really prepared to raise the shields? Find out,
in the next exciting installment!
***TO BE CONTINUED***
Star Trek: The Next Generation "Alien Contact",
Captain's Log, Supplemental: We've just
encountered an alien space station in orbit around
an uncharted planet, and we're investigating.
There's not much else to report--oh yes, the alien
space station is firing on us. Lieutenant Worf
appears especially concerned.
"I still think we should fire back," said
Worf. "After all, they're firing on us."
The ship buckled as it was hit.
"Yes, Lieutenant, but perhaps they're
interpreting our presence here as a threat," said
Picard. "It could all just be a
misunderstanding." He put his saucer down on his
arm rest. A platter of scones lay nearby.
"And if Gahhk, Klingon bloodworms, had wings,
they'd fly," said Worf, giving an icy stare.
"Hm, fine tea, this," said Picard, raising an
Suddenly the ship was hit again. The lights
dimmed, and everyone staggered to the right.
There was another jolt, and everyone staggered to
the left. The Captain's tea cup, strangely
enough, did not fall.
"Bridge, this is 10 Forward," chimed the
"Whoopi?" said Picard, struggling to get back
into his chair. "Why didn't you call on my
"Captain, I can't take much more of this.
It's impossible to mix and serve drinks under
battle conditions." Whoopi's voice had an
undercurrent of stress to it.
The ship buckled again.
"That tears it, my primary ale replicator is
down. All I'm left with are the auxiliaries."
"This is serious," Picard realized.
"Lieutenant Commander Wesley, give me a scan of
the alien," said Picard.
"It's Commander Wesley, Captain," said the
young Crusher. "You promoted me again last week,
don't you remember?"
"We could beam an away team over," said
Riker, lifting his chin.
"Too risky, Numba One," said Picard.
"Sir," said Data, "We still have not taken
any abuse from the aliens on the planet. Perhaps
if we beamed down, we might learn more about the
"Hm," said Picard. This was an important
decision. He looked at Whoopi, who had suddenly
appeared at his side. She nodded. "Quite right,
Mr. Data. We'll send an Away team."
The ship was hit again.
"Captain, the ship is being hit!" Worf
Picard sighed. "Always complaining, Mr.
"We're taking damage!" said Worf.
Picard waved a hand dismissively. "Oh, Mr.
LaForge and Data can have the ship repaired in no
time." He paused. "Still, these attacks are
troublesome. Perhaps we should consider raising
"Captain, I would advise against," said Troi.
"They might see that as further confirmation that
we are hostile."
"And if we did raise the shields, they might
just use heavier weapons," Riker added.
Troi spoke up. "Perhaps surrendering might
be the appropriate-"
"Nothing so rash, Counselor," said the
Captain. "There will be plenty of opportunities
for that later."
Will Captain Picard make a decision? Will there
really be as much action as reflected in the
scenes for next week? Find out, in the next
***TO BE CONTINUED***
Star Trek: The Next Generation "Alien Contact",
Captain's Log, supplemental: We've encountered an
alien planet, and Commander Riker is taking an
Away Team down. Undoubtedly, I'll need to beam
down later to pick up the pieces.
The Away team assembled in the transporter
"You've chosen quite a number to accompany
you, Numba One," said Pciard, staring into the
crowd. "My entire bridge crew, plus security
guards, Whoopi the bartender, and even Chief
O'Brien and his wife, Kaiko."
"Yes, Captain, they all begged to come along.
They felt they got no action on your ship." Riker
adddressed his Away team. "We don't know what to
expect down there. It could be dangerous.
Everyone set phasers to 'mild rebuke'."
They beamed down to a hot desert plain.
Approaching them were beings with bearded ugly
faces carrying bayonets. And they were clad in
uniforms of the Napoleonic era.
"Look, Commander!" said Worf. "They're...
vicious animal things!"
"Animal things?" said Riker. "This is great!
We've found the home planet of the vicious animal
things! Let's try to communicate!"
An expendible security guard approached the
animal things, but was knocked down.
"Perhaps they do not understand that we are
nonhostile," said Counselor Troi.
An animal thing charged Riker. Data fired
his phaser, which was still set to mild rebuke.
The beam struck the animal thing, who stopped in
his tracks, blinking. "Oh, I'm sorry," it said.
"We mean you no harm," said Riker, giving a
smile brimming with the goodness of milk and
honey. But he quickly had to dodge, avoiding a
bayonet thrust from another attacker. Suddenly,
there was a crackle and a deep patrician voice
came out of his chest. "Numba One, what is your
status?" Riker, too busy to answer, wrestled with
the vicious animal thing.
"Commander Riker is attempting to establish
contact with the vicious animal things," said
"Good, good," came Picard's voice, almost
reflexively. And then, "Vicious animal things?
Have you lost your mind? Transporter Chief, beam
them up immediately!"
"I'm down here, sir, remember?" said O'Brien,
who had been busy feeding Worf's son a small snack
of rocks and pebbles.
As they beamed up Counselor Troi remarked, "I
sense that the Captain was perturbed by our lack
Once they reached the bridge they assumed
"We'll teach those animal things a thing or
two," Picard vowed. "Lock phasers on target."
"What?" they all yelled.
"Is that really wise, sir?" said Riker,
raising his chin.
"Stop it!" shouted Picard. 'Stop with your
arrogant poses and self-righteous moralizing."
"Captain," said Whoopi, "Those who have
wisdom should know when to apply it." And they
all nodded in agreement.
Except Picard. "Whoopi, you old fraud, you
have such a talent for saying the meaningless, the
obvious, and making it sound like the words of the
wise. Just remember, you're the BARTENDER. If I
hadn't given you a job, you'd still be on Zeta
Beta Omicron II, selling pantyhose door to door!"
"Captain," said Troi, "I sense something,
"Different," Picard completed. "I know, I
know. Can't you ever say anything else? Do you
think it really helps us, to repeat the same old
line, again and again? Why don't you go
belowdecks and put on something more decent!"
He turned to Geordi. "Mr. LaForge, we'll
need full power to the phaser banks."
Geordi said, "Sir, I'll have to link in the
primary couplings for the hypergrade enhanced
The Captain interrupted. "In plain language,
Mr. LaForge. For once in your life, speak in
plain, simple language devoid of technical
doubletalk that ordinary nonengineering types like
myself can understand."
Geordi took a deep breath, and said, "I'll
just push the right button, sir."
"Very good," said Picard. "Mr. Data,
distance to target?"
"In Belzoidian flatinches, that would be 2
million, seven hundred and forty three thousand-"
"No, no, no!" said Picard. "Mr. Data, in the
first season or two it was cute, but now it's
starting to wear thin. I want the answer in
MILES. Approximately. If you give me a figure
with decimals, I'll have you dissembled."
"15 miles," Data quickly squeaked.
"Much better," smiled Picard. "Now-"
"Captain!" said Wesley. "I just thought of a
way to triple phaser output! If I could just have
access to the primary circuitry-"
"No Wesley!" said Picard, swinging the young
lad's chair around. "We have no need for you to
do anything to display your genius. You will not
be required to save the ship this week. Now,
prepare to fire!"
"Wait!" Riker bellowed. Picard turned.
"You're not Captain Picard," challenged
Riker. "The real Captain Picard would never fire
on an enemy ship, even one that had fired on us.
The real Captain Picard would never berate the
crew for all its cute qualities. And the real
Captain Picard would never drive young Ensign
Crusher to tears. Wet drops were starting to fall
on Wesley's instrument panel.
Picard loooked inquiringly at his first
officer. "Then who am I?"
"You're Q!" said Riker. "Now, return the
'Picard' snapped his fingers, and suddenly
the real Picard appeared, and Q assumed his
"Q!" said Picard, looking disoriented.
"I should have known immediately, when I saw
the vicious animal things," said Riker.
"Chalk it up to a slow mind," chided Q.
"But why?" said Riker. "Another test? A way
to eliminate us by having the animal things
"Not really," said Q. "I could have
destroyed you and your precious ship with the
flick of my finger."
Q smiled. "My little finger."
He continued. "I wa just bored, and wanted
to have a little fun. I thought it might be
amusing to set you all in your places." Q smiled.
"And didn't you all squirm."
"Q, leave at once!" Picard barked.
"Make me," said Q mockingly.
"If you don't leave," said Picard, thinking
quickly, "I'll start to read Shakespeare!"
"All right, I'll go," said Q quickly. "But
I'll be back, if only to liven up this thoroughly
dull show." He flashed, and faded.
"We really showed him," said Riker, chin up
and arms folded.