Detailed plot synopsis reviews of The Bridal Chair
Ida is the daughter of famous painter Marc Chagill. They are Russian Jews but live in France. Ida admires her mother's small, firm breasts, but Ida's breasts are much larger and this pleases her greatly, so much, in fact, that she refuses to wear a bra. Ida is 18 years old and has a boyfriend named Michel. Michel boned her under a tree. The sex was very good for Ida.
Ida tells the joys of being penetrated to her friend Elsa. Elsa is studying to be a doctor and tells Ida to be careful not to get pregnant. Ida says she is very careful, because she has a special v_gina calendar. That's right, she keeps a special calendar which keeps track of what's going on in her v_gina. When scheduling sex, Ida is like "Well, I'll be bleeding from the 14th to the 18th, so sex will be too messy then, but the 20th would be a good day for sex--let me pencil that in!" (Can you imagine if men had their own calendars suggesting what days were good for sex? They would circle every day, no doubt.)Click here to see the rest of this review
Anyway, Ida picks days she is positively, absolutely, 100% certain she can't get pregnant.
Then she gets pregnant. Maybe Ida would have had better luck using an hourglass rather than a calendar to keep track of her vaj, heh heh heh.
Ida's mother also keeps a close watch on Ida's v_gina. Her mother, Bella, remarks that she hasn't noticed Ida using any bloody rags lately to stuff into her v_gina. Ida tells her mother to politely keep her f'in nose out of her vaj.
Ida is not certain she is pregnant. She starts molesting herself, squeezing her breasts to see if it feels unusually good. Ida doesn't wear a bra because she likes people to see her breasts through her shirts.
Ida goes to her friend Elsa and asks to be examined. In a scene straight out of a lesbian porn film, Elsa instructs Ida to take off her panties, lift her skirt, and spread her legs as "wide as possible". "She imagined how ridiculous she looked, with her skirts hiked high, the naked thighs spread wide and exposed...."
Elsa probed Ida's v_gina with a sharp instrument. From her probing, she concluded that something was definitely living inside of there. Elsa suggests she get an abortion.
Ida tells her parents about her pregnancy. They felt ashamed and humiliated that Ida got boned by a guy she was not married to.
Her father Marc wanted her to have an abortion, but he didn't want to be there to watch. He had a horrible memory as a child watching his sister being born. He watched her slide out of his mother's v_gina, but then this bloody mess sprayed out of his Mom's v_gina, splattering Marc's face! After that, Marc lost interest in births and abortions and anything v_gina bloody related.
Anyway, Ida is pressured into getting the abortion. Her parents say that once she gets the abortion, she can immediately marry Michel.
Under their family's interpretation of Jewish law, once Michel has boned Ida, he has to marry her. But if Michel is going to marry Ida, why does she have to get an abortion? This is never explained, and makes absolutely no sense.
Marc, Ida's Dad, pressures her to marry Michel immediately. If she refuses, he won't pay for her abortion and he will kick her out of the house.
So anyway, that's what Ida does, get an abortion and then marries the guy who impregnates her.
Ida goes to the abortion clinic, takes off her clothes, and spreads her legs again. A vacuum is put into her crotch and sucks out her unfinished baby with a SPLAT! Then she goes home to have a croissant or grey poupon or whatever French girls eat right after having an abortion.
Her friend Elsa tells Ida not to be such a slut and if she has to have sex again, to put a rubber cap inside her v_gina to keep sperm out of her egg zone. Then when her v_gina cools down a bit she marries Michel.
Meanwhile, the whole Hitler thing is starting in Europe. Ida repeatedly tries to warn her dad Marc that he has to get the f out of Europe now, that Hitler will kill the Jews. Marc is not worried in the slightest. After all Hitler is in Germany and he is in France. What is there to fear? It's not like the French army is a bunch of surrender monkeys who will give up after a few days of fighting.
Marc says that in any event the Nazis would never hurt him because he, Marc, was such an important artist. He's totally out of touch with reality.
Ida has a brain, however, and works overtime trying to get them exit visas to another country.