Detailed plot synopsis reviews of The House by the River
One day, in a small village in Greece filled with goats, a woman named Theodora watched her asswipe husband Gerasimos die. Gerasimos had been dumb enough to step on a nail which gave him tetanus, and now he had to have his leg amputated. But he refused, saying he wouldn't be a complete man without his leg, acting like they were trying to cut off his dick instead.
So instead of being a one legged man, he became a two legged dead man. This is the most common theme of the book, by the way--NEARLY ALL MEN DIE IN THIS STORY. If you hate men, you will enjoy this book.
The book flashes back to when Theodora first met and married Gerasimos. Both parents were opposed to the wedding.
Theodora’s father hit his head against the wall until he cut it open and they had to call the doctor to bind it up.Click here to see the rest of this review
Heh heh heh heh. This is the funniest scene in the book. Theodora's father, upset by the wedding, thought he'd feel better banging his head against the wall.
Anyway they got married and Theodora started squeezing babies out of her Greek v_gina. But they were always girls. There was one boy, but since boys had to die, this one did too, supposedly of natural causes, but I think Theodora probably poisoned his baby food and made it look like an accident. But she had five daughters, most with preposterous Greek names.
One by one Theodora's five daughters grew up and started masturbating, growing hairy down there, and dripping blood all over the place every month until Mom got rags for them all. Before long men started getting boners around them. Theodora got upset because each time one of her daughters got married, she would leave the village. In a metaphor that would be used way too many times in the book, Theodora compared the river by the goat village as the highway of life.
Theodora is bitter that her children leave her but she basically tells each of them that once they have fucked up their lives really, really badly, they are welcome to come home to goat central to cry on her shoulder. This book is the story of these five girls, and how they f'ed up their lives really badly, and come home crying to mommy. A little pathetic, isn't it?
Melissanthi is the first to leave. She marries a guy twice her age named Apostolos. She doesn't care about the age difference because (a) he's rich and (b) he's going to take her the f away from this backwards goat village to a real city where people have jewelry and cars and tampons.
He proposes marriage after knowing her only two days. Melissanthi is really into it because of the money thing. Her mom Theodora basically calls her a gold digging bitch.
Then the next daughter Aspasia, whose name sounds like a muscle disease, marries a guy named Stavros.
Then another daughter named Julia marries a guy named Fokus (pronounced "Fuk-us", heh heh heh.)
Then the next daughter Polyxeni runs away to join a group of travelling actors, and the next daughter Magdalini, whose name sounds like a pasta entree, goes to America with her aunt Anna.
The first story we are told is that of Melissanthi. At first she has wild sex with Apostolos. Even though he is an older guy he can really bone her. He takes her to a rich house in the city and bangs her every night and Melissanthi is very happy.
But after two years Melissanthi hasn't gotten pregnant. Maybe Apostolos's p_nis isn't long enough or maybe he's been using the wrong hole (entering through the ear never works). Gradually, he's stopped having sex with her. Melissanthi becomes bored. She started gambling at cards, and lost a lot of Apostolos's money. This made Apostolos very angry with her. Then when Apostolos cut off her allowance, she started to steal money from him.
Apostolos discovered the theft and showed up at the gambling club Melissanthi went to, and demonstrated to Melissanthi that she had been cheated by the other card players. Instead of being embarrassed, Melissanthi whines like a little bitch.
Melissanthi also complained that Apostolos wasn't boning her any more. What she didn't know was that Apostolos had a heart problem. Too much sex could cause his heart to explode. That's why he hasn't been boning Melissanthi, but he was too ashamed to tell her the reason why. Melissanthi didn't know if Apostolos had lost interest in her or had gotten AIDS or perhaps had simply stuck his p_nis in a blender.
Apostolos fought with Melissanthi, slapping her in the face. Wack wack! Then he had furious revenge sex with her, which Melissanthi really enjoyed. But he couldn't keep having sex with her because his heart would explode.
Melissanthi found a guy named Angelos to bang her.