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At Peace.... posts on 9/28/2016 6:44:18 PM Its been months since we have spoken. I dont think of you as often anymore. When I do, I just feel sadness. Sadness for what I thought we had and sadness for the loss of the friend I thought you were. I had reached my limit with you....there were too many half truths, too many stories, too many conditions, too many questions.....and just not enough feelings from you. I have accepted that it was about the sex, it always had been. I have accepted that. For the first time I am ok with how things are. I'm ok with a table for 1.
Me posts on 9/19/2016 5:23:26 PM mynwife and I are separated and living 500 miles apart. I came up this weekend to see her and the kids and my 11 year old had a meltdown because I was there. This has placed more of a strain on our marriage. I wanted to leave and go home because I thought that would alleviate the problem. I'm so thankful that I stayed and supported my wife and family. If I left that would have spoken volumes about where my priorities were. I'm not going to run from my family no matter how difficult it gets.
Wanker posts on 9/8/2016 1:46:37 PM If no one wants to hire me, then they're just going to have to support me. I've already fooled doctors into a diagnosis for disability once and I'm doing it again to get more money. I also get free medical and food stamps. I don't pay any taxes. This is what happens when no one will give you a job, because you have to survive somehow. I'm costing the state and federal governments a small fortune all because not one person would hire me. If you own a business or are in charge of hiring, think about this before you pass on someone. You're still going to pay for them. You're just not going to get any work out of them.



Black sheep posts on 8/30/2016 4:39:16 PM A week ago last Saturday I got a call from my son out of the blue. I don't even like to answer the phone anymore when he calls because he only gets ahold of me when he needs something and the rest of the time I don't exist. I didn't answer. An hour later he calls again. I answered and the first thing he says is are you busy today! Now he's an OTR driver and I knew he was on the road, so what could he possibly need? Turns out it was something huge! He was quitting his job (of 4 months) and the closest place that he could leave the truck was Indiana! That's 665 miles each way, and he needed me to pick him up! What?!?! Are you kidding me! His girlfriend doesn't have a license and neither does his mother, so I went because I felt sorry for him (as usual). We haven't been close in a long time so I thought it would be good. I was trying to make lemonade out of the lemons. We talked the whole way home and I thought that finally we could have that bond that I dreamed about. Nope! He's been home over a week and I haven't heard from him, not once. Even when I went over to pick up my grandson, he couldn't even say hi even though he was sitting right there. Same thing when I dropped of my grandson. I was awake for 27 hours straight, and this is the thanks that I get! From this moment on, I will be civil because I want to continue seeing my grandson, but the days of me being used by my son are over! He's left me no choice!
Black sheep posts on 7/29/2016 5:04:07 AM About 4 months ago, I was taken out of work because of a work related injury. Every doctor that I see attaches a percentage to my injury 25,50,75 or 100 and some don't even know the extent of my injuries. What gives these doctors the right to put down 25% when they don't even know what areas are affected. I'm not looking for a handout, I just want to be acknowledged that I'm in pain every day, I can't work and be compensated fairly. On another note in the last 4 months, my grown son has asked me exactly zero times how I'm feeling. Life keeps knocking me down, and sometimes I wonder why I keep getting myself back up! So here I sit. Unable to go anywhere except the doctors because of the pain and couldn't afford to go anywhere anyway. All I can do is feel sorry for myself! If this is all life has to offer, I'm over it.
the_standard posts on 7/21/2016 1:07:18 PM After trying to find pictures to describe what's going on now, my heart has reached the 'desert' stage, metaphorically. a blasted, ash covered desert. First it was dropped, (picturing a cliff into an abyss) another time just left behind, then betrayed (stabbed), then betrayed again (wrapped in barbed wire), and most recently just tapped with a fingernail and fell apart. I don't feel the wetness of the previous emotions, just dry, lifeless ash. Anger may be part of the fire that has burnt and cleared this space, but now I cannot tell, even it has died. I can see further than ever now, but it looks like nothing.
Harley Stew posts on 7/15/2016 10:16:13 PM Someone asked me what I'd learnt about myself this year. I like that question, it's much better than what you want for next year. They go hand in hand but it encourages you to think deeper. Whilst I've grown to be incredibly independent and to enjoy my own company after a while it becomes too much. I struggle to reason with myself, my behaviour becomes extremely self destructive and although I believe that I'm ok, I'm not. That isn't a new thing but admitting it is. No one wants to admit that they have a problem and no one wants to admit that it's in their head. For some reason it's still seen as a weakness rather than an illness. To an extent I'm not that much different to someone with a broken bone, you just can't see my problem straight away. I'm not always the easiest person to get on with and I've let a lot of people down which I'm not proud of but running away can be easier than trying to explain that I'm in a constant battle with myself. I am my own worst enemy which I doubt will ever change but recently I've won more than I've lost. This year I've learnt that it IS ok to admit that I'm not coping, to admit that I need a bit of help and also to accept it without feeling like I've failed. No one can survive in this world completely on their own and no one should have to. I don't have a lot of friends, I can count them on my hands, but that's ok. Surrounding yourself with a small amount of people who genuinely care beats having a hundred that would probably struggle to remember your full name any day. I don't speak to all of them everyday and sometimes I don't see them for weeks but I know that doesn't matter. Each one of them would be there in a heartbeat if I needed them and that's an amazing feeling. They also know that I would do exactly the same for them. The most important thing I've learnt this year? My friends aren't just my friends, they're my family and that means I can overcome absolutely anything ❤
Golden bell posts on 6/30/2016 4:49:01 AM You once questioned why I never told you that you were beautiful. The truth is that I was scared. Scared to let you see how felt. Scared to let you in. That day I vowed to never speak the word again... Unless it was to you. That word is only for you. So I can't think of a more appropriate time to let you know just how beautiful you are. So the next time I'm holding you in my arms watching the sun make tiny golden flakes in your eyes, you will know what I'm thinking, but maybe then I will pull you even closer, put my lips to your ear and whisper a little secret I've kept to myself for way too long.
Black sheep posts on 6/27/2016 5:24:53 PM Ok, guess who drove by first thing this morning ? You guessed it, the crazy lady! She just had her 11 year anniversary on Saturday so she thought she would swing by today to drive my crazy! Well, it worked! She has been leading me on for 17 years now, and it's beyond getting old! I hate the fact that I will have to leave the state in order to be left alone, but I have no other choice!
Black sheep posts on 6/14/2016 7:11:00 PM How do I get this crazy woman to stop trying to control me and leave me alone. I've changed my job (we used to work together) and I've changed my phone number twice. She doesn't live anywhere near me, but it doesn't stop her from driving by all the time. SHE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! Maybe if I move out of state she'll get the hint! She is married, and has been for years, so shouldn't she be focusing her attention on that relationship instead of controlling me? She is trying to prevent me from meeting anyone else, but why? Every time that I stick my neck out, she throws me under the bus so she can't be interested in me. So what is it? Does she not have any control of her own life so she has to control mine? I don't know. As soon as my house sells, I can move out of state and be FREE! Hopefully.
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