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Black sheep posts on 7/29/2016 5:04:07 AM About 4 months ago, I was taken out of work because of a work related injury. Every doctor that I see attaches a percentage to my injury 25,50,75 or 100 and some don't even know the extent of my injuries. What gives these doctors the right to put down 25% when they don't even know what areas are affected. I'm not looking for a handout, I just want to be acknowledged that I'm in pain every day, I can't work and be compensated fairly. On another note in the last 4 months, my grown son has asked me exactly zero times how I'm feeling. Life keeps knocking me down, and sometimes I wonder why I keep getting myself back up! So here I sit. Unable to go anywhere except the doctors because of the pain and couldn't afford to go anywhere anyway. All I can do is feel sorry for myself! If this is all life has to offer, I'm over it.
the_standard posts on 7/21/2016 1:07:18 PM After trying to find pictures to describe what's going on now, my heart has reached the 'desert' stage, metaphorically. a blasted, ash covered desert. First it was dropped, (picturing a cliff into an abyss) another time just left behind, then betrayed (stabbed), then betrayed again (wrapped in barbed wire), and most recently just tapped with a fingernail and fell apart. I don't feel the wetness of the previous emotions, just dry, lifeless ash. Anger may be part of the fire that has burnt and cleared this space, but now I cannot tell, even it has died. I can see further than ever now, but it looks like nothing.
Harley Stew posts on 7/15/2016 10:16:13 PM Someone asked me what I'd learnt about myself this year. I like that question, it's much better than what you want for next year. They go hand in hand but it encourages you to think deeper. Whilst I've grown to be incredibly independent and to enjoy my own company after a while it becomes too much. I struggle to reason with myself, my behaviour becomes extremely self destructive and although I believe that I'm ok, I'm not. That isn't a new thing but admitting it is. No one wants to admit that they have a problem and no one wants to admit that it's in their head. For some reason it's still seen as a weakness rather than an illness. To an extent I'm not that much different to someone with a broken bone, you just can't see my problem straight away. I'm not always the easiest person to get on with and I've let a lot of people down which I'm not proud of but running away can be easier than trying to explain that I'm in a constant battle with myself. I am my own worst enemy which I doubt will ever change but recently I've won more than I've lost. This year I've learnt that it IS ok to admit that I'm not coping, to admit that I need a bit of help and also to accept it without feeling like I've failed. No one can survive in this world completely on their own and no one should have to. I don't have a lot of friends, I can count them on my hands, but that's ok. Surrounding yourself with a small amount of people who genuinely care beats having a hundred that would probably struggle to remember your full name any day. I don't speak to all of them everyday and sometimes I don't see them for weeks but I know that doesn't matter. Each one of them would be there in a heartbeat if I needed them and that's an amazing feeling. They also know that I would do exactly the same for them. The most important thing I've learnt this year? My friends aren't just my friends, they're my family and that means I can overcome absolutely anything ❤



Golden bell posts on 6/30/2016 4:49:01 AM You once questioned why I never told you that you were beautiful. The truth is that I was scared. Scared to let you see how felt. Scared to let you in. That day I vowed to never speak the word again... Unless it was to you. That word is only for you. So I can't think of a more appropriate time to let you know just how beautiful you are. So the next time I'm holding you in my arms watching the sun make tiny golden flakes in your eyes, you will know what I'm thinking, but maybe then I will pull you even closer, put my lips to your ear and whisper a little secret I've kept to myself for way too long.
Black sheep posts on 6/27/2016 5:24:53 PM Ok, guess who drove by first thing this morning ? You guessed it, the crazy lady! She just had her 11 year anniversary on Saturday so she thought she would swing by today to drive my crazy! Well, it worked! She has been leading me on for 17 years now, and it's beyond getting old! I hate the fact that I will have to leave the state in order to be left alone, but I have no other choice!
Black sheep posts on 6/14/2016 7:11:00 PM How do I get this crazy woman to stop trying to control me and leave me alone. I've changed my job (we used to work together) and I've changed my phone number twice. She doesn't live anywhere near me, but it doesn't stop her from driving by all the time. SHE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! Maybe if I move out of state she'll get the hint! She is married, and has been for years, so shouldn't she be focusing her attention on that relationship instead of controlling me? She is trying to prevent me from meeting anyone else, but why? Every time that I stick my neck out, she throws me under the bus so she can't be interested in me. So what is it? Does she not have any control of her own life so she has to control mine? I don't know. As soon as my house sells, I can move out of state and be FREE! Hopefully.
Agape Forever posts on 6/3/2016 8:20:11 PM Darkness is the absence of light, and without light there is no color. Darkness deprives us of our senses and slows life into a burdensome monotony. To be without light is to be without life. You are my light and I hope you see that I am yours. Without you I feel I have no purpose and nothing brings me joy. But wait no more! Come to me and take my hand. Together our lights will illuminate the path to paradise with colors so vibrant that we shall never encounter this misery again. I have carried this burden as far as my chains will allow. I have dropped to one knee, and with all that's left, I am asking you to turn around my flowerhead. I am right behind you but I can't take another step. You have to come for me, reach out to me. I understand that is difficult for you and it may require help from others. But the ones closest to me will tell you no day has passed that I have failed to mention your name. You should know by now that I would sacrifice my life just to be in your presence again. And I did make a promise - a promise to selflessly and unconditionally love you. It is a promise I have kept and I will keep forever. I Love You!
Waiting_in_vain posts on 6/1/2016 7:12:10 AM It's been 2 years since you went away. I thought my heart would have healed by now and that my memories and thoughts of you would fade away gradually. But it hasn't. I subscribed to the notion that time heals a broken heart, but I'm still waiting for time to erase you from my thoughts. Loving you has been the most humbling experience of my life. You never promised that you would stay and made it very clear that our time would run out. I thought I was strong enough to walk away and get over you when our time was up. I've cried, begged and prayed for peace, for closure, and for my memories of you, of us, to fade away. It's been 2 years and time has not lived up to its promise. This emptiness inside has turned my world flat and gray. The colors that you brought into my life have left with you. Life's distractions only bring momentary relief; the brief splashes of colors quickly vanish when thoughts of you cross my mind. When will all this fade away? When will the colors come back? When will you come back?
Black sheep posts on 5/30/2016 4:13:52 PM No matter what I do for my family, it's never good enough. I am at the point now that I don't want anything to do with any of them. For most of my life (I'm 43) I've been trying to be accepted by my family and blaming myself when it doesn't happen (again). This way of thinking has affected all of my relationships because I always thought that If my family won't accept me, how can anyone else. This had led to a very lonely life! After years and years of trying to be "good enough" I started to distance myself from those situations. Between the distance and some counseling it has really made a difference. I'm still not where I want to be, but I'm getting there! Sometimes I miss my family, but I don't miss being put down all of the time. So I'm writing this as a release and to remind myself of how far I've come, but also and maybe more important I hope that people can read this and be encouraged to look to the future instead of being stuck in the past. Families don't have to be blood, they just need to be people that love and support you no matter what!
Shirley Schauer posts on 5/24/2016 3:32:48 PM There's nothing better than finding out that you won't be able to afford to go to college.
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