Sometimes, you can tell all you need to know about a movie within the first five minutes. And in Snake Island's case, one character's innocent snippet of dialogue is a perfect summation:
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"This is Africa; things bite."
Yes, they do.
And sadly, this movie is first among them.
As we lurch into frame, on the middle of a small flat-bottomed boat in the best tradition of Anaconda, we get one strange and shocking realization. Snake Island is going to be Jurassic Park with snakes. The giant sign labeling the island is a pretty dead giveaway that someone was going for theme resort.
A theme resort revolving around SNAKES, can you believe it? Who's going to GO to a theme resort revolving around snakes?
We don't get very far downriver when we find out why the place is called "Snake Island". Snakes of every size and description suddenly drop onto the deck and writhe about, soundly freaking out all our passengers.
The snakes are enjoying the party, too…an animatronic one in the background is actually dancing along with the music. Yes, you heard right…the SNAKE is dancing along. Wow…how incredibly stupid.
But it gets worse from there. Most of the cast dies off due to various snake attacks. The entire island getaway degenerates into a squirming, writhing mass of coils, fangs and venom. Along with three surviving humans, trying desperately to fend off the snake attack and escape with their lives. Finally managing to settle in for the night, our last surviving female lead goes off to sleep.
And that's when the snakes started singing.
And TALKING.
I'm sitting here, WATCHING. SNAKES. TALK. It turned out to be a dream, brought about by way too much adrenaline, but still. The whole "snakes singing" thing was a shot out of left field the likes of which I never want to see again.
Desperate to figure out how to get off the island, our last three characters decide to strike out for a boat off the island. But each has a different way about it, so now we've got two parties…a man in full cricket armor, and two on a lawnmower. Two on a lawnmower, and a guy running around ready for the First Annual Cricket Match In The Single Dumbest Place On Earth to Play Cricket.
The review of this Movie prepared by Steven Andersen, The Video Store Guy
